relating artistic ideas and work with personal meaning and external context
CONNECTING
Relating artistic ideas with personal meaning is what it's all about for me. This program has encouraged me to make deeper connections to my work to better understand myself and my communities. What is the point of all of these projects if you’re not connected to it or passionate about it? There is nothing more personal than sharing who you are or making art inspired by personal narratives. In this section, I offer two examples of how I have connected my artistic ideas with personal meaning.
In a poem I wrote, entitled "A Rant," (inspired by Eve Ensler), I was able to finally tackle an emotional issue that has been building up inside me for more than ten years. When I was a bartender (working my way between acting gigs) I was sexually assaulted by the owner of the bar, in public, on a busy night. To be honest, I never really dealt with the feelings of disgust and embarrassment that consumed me at the time. I would chalk it up to his being drunk, or trying to be funny, and never faced him or forced him to take ownership for touching me inappropriately. Yet, through my poem, I was able to get these frustrating and demoralizing feelings out on the page. I was even able to perform it aloud to a group of 20 of my peers without breaking down or stirring up too much emotional baggage. I find it extremely powerful, that after all years, I am finally able to talk about this unnerving event. I hope that my honesty and openness will inspire others, particularly my students, to be willing to create art to comfort and express former trauma.
In the fall of 2019, I studied solo performance with renowned actress and activist Anna Deavere Smith in the course Performing Personal Narratives at the NYU Tisch School of the Arts. The final project for the class was the creation of a five-minute “universe” which was performed for a live audience in December of 2019. These performances were conceived and developed over a 12-week period and drew from each actor’s personal life. Our first task was to choose a piece of art that represented our "story." I chose Picasso's Girl Before a Mirror, because I was drawn to the concept of what she sees in the mirror is not always her reality. All through the years between 2012 and 2018, I deeply struggled with infertility. I spent thousands of dollars, injected hundreds of hormone shots, and suffered through an insurmountable level of inadequacy and disgust with myself and my body. "My body is my enemy," I stated in my universe performance.
A RANT
Lauren Gorelov
“Nice uniform,” he said.
My uniform.
Can you even call it that?
A black mini skirt,
A black tank top,
Black boots to the knee,
“Hooker boots” as some people called them
I felt powerful,
sexy,
in control
I felt degraded,
unworthy,
stupid
Just smile.
A smile would lead to ordering more drinks
A smile would lead to some harmless flirting
A smile would lead to tips and money
A smile would NOT lead to anything else
Tips could pay for my rent, my acting classes, my food
This was only temporary.
I’m an actor
I’m an artist
St Patrick’s Day
A day full of smiles,
A day full of green clothes,
green beers,
green bagels.
The bar was packed
The music was blasting
The owner was there
It was his favorite holiday
His Irish blood pumped with extra fervor
His tall, white stature was particularly proud
His flushed red face matched his dusty red hair
He was taking shots
He was laughing
He was singing
He was flirting
His eyes were looking through me
Looking at my “uniform”
He’s the owner
It’s ok
He’s the owner
Why are you behind the bar?
Why are you so close to me?
Why are your hands in my skirt?
Why are your hands in my underwear?
Why are your hands in me?
The lawyer’s office was cold
The rain was falling hard that day
She was horrified and saddened
“A bartender is paid under the table,” she said. “no taxes, no record”
I didn’t exist
“If this were a real job,” she said, “you’d be a millionaire.”
A real job?
Those words ringing in my ear
Even today, a decade later
What makes a job real?
What makes my feeling real?
What makes the inside of me real?
His hand certainly felt real.
Maybe you didn’t even remember what you did
Maybe you were too drunk
Maybe you knew I couldn’t press charges
Maybe you knew I needed the job
Maybe you were just trying to have some fun
Maybe you didn’t know I was disgusted with myself
Maybe you didn’t know I still think about you
Maybe you knew you could get away with it.
And you did.
Through a combination of dance, yoga, ballet, mime, verbatim performance, music, and poetry, our bi-lingual universe was born. Although this was intended as a solo performance, Anna suggested I partner with a classmate, who was from China, and had opposite feelings about fertility. While I was trying desperately to have my children, she was living in a world where more than one child was illegal. We both performed our mother's words verbatim, with contrasting opinions on the value of motherhood. I have been unable to locate the filmed performance but have attached the script.
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This example of connecting art and performance to my intense fertility journey demonstrates my ability to relate and synthesize knowledge and personal experiences to inspire and inform artistic work.
Girl Before a Mirror, Pablo Picasso
Rehearsing My Body is Mine. December 2019.
Lauren Gorelov and Xiao Liu.
My Body is Mine. Working Script.
Cast of Performing Narratives, 2019.